From: (Julie Mayo)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: LRH and I
Date: 16 Apr 1996 14:46:29 -0400

My experiences with LRH, L. Ron Hubbard,  Founder of Scientology

For a long time I have felt the need to communicate some of my  experiences with L. Ron Hubbard. Bear with me, dear critics, but  I am writing this primarily for a.r.s. readers who have been  Scientologists.

While I was in Scientology, from 1971-1983, I had what I  considered to be the privilege of working directly with LRH. I  did the SHSBC in 1971-72 and joined the Sea Organization. I went  to the Flagship Apollo (Flag) in 1973 where I met L. Ron Hubbard.  I had never really expected to meet L.R.H. personally -- but not  only did I meet him, but ended up as his technical aide (Training  and Services Aide/CS 4) for several years.

I had gotten interested in Scientology because people told me  that it would enlighten me regarding out-of-body experiences,  telepathy, and it would answer various questions I had concerning  the meaning of life. I also wanted to do my bit concerning  helping mankind. I was much more interested in training, rather  than receiving auditing, which is why I had done the briefing  course. I was fascinated by the "technology" in many  ways. First, that there was a subject that sought to improve  human abilities, which was codified and laid out into theory and  processes. Secondly, that there were all kinds of explanations  and instructions on how to do these processes. Thirdly, that when  I sat down across from another person and did the processes, the  phenomena that were supposed to occur actually did happen most of  the time. If a person was upset, I flew the ruds, or maybe did an  LIC and the person became happy and the meter F/Ned. Pretty  extraordinary stuff. Not everything happened exactly like it was  supposed to: people didn't have perfect out-of-body experiences  on Op Pro by Dup like was suggested in the tech -- but most  people got some type of extroversion. The fact that any of it  worked impressed me. The fact that so much of it seemed to do  what it was supposed to do so much of the time, seemed  miraculous.

The methodology clearly wasn't perfect, as anyone who had done  the SHSBC could see. The tech was an ever-changing, evolving  process. I spent hundreds of hours listening to LRH discuss the  theory and techniques and change his mind about things and try  new things. It was exciting. I formed an impression of LRH from  listening to all those tapes. He sounded like a man who was very  interested in people and in exploring human potential. He almost  sounded a bit fatherly, and he was a wonderfully entertaining  speaker.

So, when I arrived on the ship in 1973 in Lisbon, I was very  curious to see how LRH matched up. The first night I was there I  snuck a peak into the "research room" where he was  working. To me, his presence seemed to fill the room.

I was not on board for much time before we set sail. We sailed  to the Canary Islands, on a trip that was very rough -- strong  winds and high seas. Everyone had a sea watch. I realized that,  like me, most of us really didn't know what we were doing. People  had been "hatted" to some degree on a ship duty like  radar, lookout, and so forth, but we really were a bunch of  amateurs sailing a big vessel in high seas. Amazing and scary. In  the morning, we mustered on deck. The Canary Islands were coming  into view and LRH came out on deck. He was smiling, exuberant.  His eyes were sparkling. Life seemed to be a great adventure to  him. It was very infectious.

I saw aspects of Hubbard I hadn't suspected while listening to  all those course lectures. He was extraordinarily adventurous; he  expected people to do incredible things, and people responded and  did things that they wouldn't have dreamed doing.

I was struck by the fact that when I ran into him on the decks  he always gave me a big smile -- the kind of smile that made me  happy for the rest of the day. It seemed like he would give  people his complete attention. I was surprised at these qualities  -- I thought he would have been too busy to pay attention to  people and to small details to the degree that he did. On the  other hand, he had some bad qualities that were equally  unexpected. Sometimes he would lose his temper, and when he did,  you would feel it down to the very cells in your bones.

When he was angry, he could be quite mean. He would write an  ethics order on someone, condemning them to the galley, or never  to be an executive again. Then two weeks later, he would change  his mind, and he would appoint that same person to one of the  highest positions in Scientology. There were no overboards when I  was on the ship, but there were plenty of sleepless nights and  conditions were really quite terrible at times. Not that we  really noticed much, we were completely occupied day and night.

During the first months of 1974, I worked in external  communications and although I saw LRH daily, I never really got  to know what it was like to work with him until I was a Tech  Programs Chief and then Training and Services Aide. When I was  appointed to Tech Programs Chief I did my first eval. It was an  "all hands" -- all the programs chiefs were doing  evals. At this particular time they were all going straight to  LRH for approval via a messenger. I remember doing my eval and  sending it to him. A few minutes later I got it back down via a  running messenger with a note about something that needed to be  changed. I changed it and sent it back up and I got a surprise: a  messenger screamed at me "What the H-- !" "You  didn't...." I really was quite indignant and insisted that I  had too made the requested change and sent it back up to him via  the messenger. Two minutes later it was approved. It shocked me  that LRH was so explosive, but it was certainly exciting working  for him.

He issued lots of "orders" and liked very, very fast  action and deadlines. All nighters was more of a routine, than an  occasional, in 1974. He was much better tempered in 1975 when we  were in the Caribbean. We got lots of sleep, though conditions  were so crowded that about 60 of us had to sleep on the sun deck  as there were no more bunks.

I was temporary CS 4 in January 1975 and again in the fall.  When I was T/CS 4 one of my first "message runs"  concerned the Conditional Certificate system. LRH was furious  with Ron Shafron, for instituting conditional certs. I had a tape  in the office of a briefing on the subject between LRH and Ron  Shafron. The tape clearly showed that it was Hubbard who had  ordered the conditional cert system, not Shafron, so I was quick  to point this out to LRH. I soon learned that this really wasn't  the politically acceptable way to deal with him: the usual way  was to "PR" him and take the blame yourself. I was  disappointed, but not disillusioned. LRH sent me a few mean  messages for my obvious blunder, but forgave me by the end of the  evening. I also forgave LRH. Hubbard was an extraordinary man,  though not perfect. Most people don't accomplish a tenth of what  he did. He authored huge amounts of the tech, which mostly  produced remarkable results. Hubbard definitely had redeeming  qualities, in my estimation.

Speaking of authorship. That was another situation that I had  to deal with as CS 4. The truth was that lots of the tech was not  authored by Hubbard. In fact, one of the things I did as LRH's  technical aide was write bulletins, HCOBs. If it was important,  it had to bear LRH's name, because that was the way the religion  was set up. I didn't like the system much for several reasons.  The first was I thought people should know who actually wrote the  bulletins. Secondly, the system was set up that if something went  wrong, or if Hubbard wanted to change something, he could save  face and blame it on someone else. "The mice have been  gnawing at the pillars again... ." I reached a compromise  with Hubbard: if I wrote a bulletin, it would be "Assisted  by". That didn't always work, though, because if it was an  important bulletin, it wouldn't do to have it assisted by someone  else.

One of the first orders I got from Hubbard was that I was to  cancel everything the last two CS 4s had ever written. It was an  impossible task because I would have just canceled out the grade  chart. What was clear to me from this order, was that there were  a line of fall guys before me. It would be just a matter of time  before, I too, would be the "who" and have my work  canceled.

As CS 4, I had various projects done and had several people  working for me at different times. LRH had written Technical  Correction Roundup in 1976 or '77 which called for a great deal  of writing and compilation. The Expanded Dianetic project was a  particular nightmare -- for many reasons. The first was that a  lot of the work that had been done on it originally was by Allan  Gilbertson. LRH decided that Allan Gilbertson was a squirrel, so  he wanted the EX DN course done again, using only LRH material.  (LRH loved the idea that if there was something wrong with the  tech, it was because someone else messed it up.) The problem was  that Expanded Dianetics really wasn't fully researched to start  with, and there were no, or few, successful case histories. I  remember getting a nudge from him concerning what was taking the  re-write so long. I told him that the project of re-writing the  case histories was incomplete. Much to my embarrassment, Hubbard  took what I said out of context and wrote an HCOB saying that  Training and Services Aide had found the why on Expanded  Dianetics-- the case histories hadn't been fully written up. The  real problem was Expanded Dianetics wasn't completely researched  -- something I believe LRH really didn't want to think about at  the time.

Sifting through HCOBs and canceling "out tech" ones  or ones written by "other people" was something that  went on constantly. The "out tech" HCOBs were then  corrected by a project and the HCOBs written by that project  would be sifted through a few years later and canceled as out  tech. In 1974, there was a project done by Molly and another  girl, FMO ___. They were supposed to change bulletins into BTBs  that hadn't been written by LRH. But the important ones were all  retained as HCOBs whether they were written by Hubbard or not. In  compliance to the LRH order to me to cancel everything written by  Livingston and Shafron, I had stacks of bulletins put together  with their CSWs. The problem was, what to revise them to? I  couldn't just cancel important bulletins which described  technical processes for no reason. Most of them had been ordered  written by LRH, and even though he had ordered them canceled, he  would have been furious if they were canceled with no  replacement. Finally, I asked Shafron to go through his stack and  let me know if he thought anything needed to be revised, which he  did graciously. He found a few that he thought needed to be  updated so I sent them over to David Mayo to check and if he  agreed, up to LRH Pers Comm for approval. Sometimes they went to  Hubbard, but mostly LRH didn't look at stuff like that.

It was in December of 1975 that I had one of my more memorable  experiences with LRH. This is during the period when we were  coming to land. We'd been sailing around the Med in 1974 and the  Caribbean in 1975 and the ship was getting crowded. We had the  problem of getting kicked out of ports, too, but that is another  story. LRH went to Daytona, Florida with most of the Flag crew  and "FCCIs", (public), and I went to NYC with about 30  of the management crew. LRH had just done a couple of  "international evaluations" and it was our job to keep  things going and get the "eval" programs implemented by  the outer orgs while the Flag Land Base was being set up. As CS4  I had a couple LRH orders in particular I was supposed to  implement, one of which was to switch internships from the  qualifications division to the technical division of the service  organizations.

As it was an LRH order, I did it with gusto. I remember Kerry  Gleason, who was the Commanding Officer of the Flag Bureau at the  time, cautioning me about it. He kept saying that I should hold  back on it. To me, it would have been sacrilege to do anything  but go full speed ahead. It was an LRH order and that meant it  had to be done, and right away. Looking back at it, I realize  that it had probably been Kerry's idea in the first place.

Well, the international statistics went down around  Thanksgiving. They always did around that time of the year but it  was "off-policy" to blame anything else but ourselves.  "The Why is God" -- is the policy letter. So when we  joined the rest of the Flag crew in Clearwater we were in  disgrace, we were sent down from NYC by slow bus. On the other  hand, the Flag Land Base had been doing really well so everyone  else was being praised. Then, the obligatory why-finding began. A  who had to be found for the down international statistics.

I was woken up at 2 AM one December 1975 morning by a  messenger yelling at me that I had crashed international  statistics and to assign myself a lower "ethics"  condition for doing so. Furthermore, I was to immediately gather  up all the issues I had ever written to send to LRH so that they  could be reviewed, and presumably be canceled. Up I got, in a  state of panic. I ran over to the Clearwater Building from my  dorm in the Fort Harrison, losing a shoe in my haste along the  way. I went to mimeo and searched the files, gathering up things  I had written. I started sending them "up" to  "R". LRH was giving me a really hard time via his  messengers -- who were making it quite clear I was in deep  trouble. Suddenly, everything changed. I got a soothing message,  delivered by Annie Broeker, telling me that the why had been  found. I was to read a policy letter in Volume 5 of the OEC. In  the late 60's Hubbard had tried to move the internships from Qual  to Tech, and it hadn't worked then either. A messenger told me,  on the side, that LRH had thought that I had been following an  order from Shafron and then realized his error when he saw a copy  of the eval written by himself.

LRH was obviously no longer as angry with me, but I still  wasn't off the hook on crashing international statistics, so I  sat down and assigned myself a condition of "Treason".  I figured I was in "Treason" because I hadn't fully  worn my hat as CS 4. CS 4 was responsible for rising technical  statistics -- I should have "made things go right",  somehow. I remembered something Maureen Sarfatti had told me  years ago. Mo had said that when she was appointed as  "Programs Chief", (first time programs chiefs came into  existence), that she and the others had been called into the  research room for a conference with LRH. LRH had sat them all  down and told them that they were each assigned a  "continent" to manage. The world was broken down into  sections: Europe, Africa, US, UK and so forth. LRH looked them  each in the eye and told them that they were responsible to make  sure that their assigned continent was expanding and doing well  statistically. He said, "Each one of you have managed  planets in the past." A mere continent would be a piece of  cake.

I was ashamed that I hadn't managed to keep tech division  statistics rising. I was off to a poor start on my CS 4 post. I  sent up the Treason Formula to LRH. By now it was New Year's Eve  and I would spend the evening doing amends. Surprisingly, I got a  response back from LRH almost immediately. He wrote in his own  handwriting, "Condition mitigated to Danger. Brush up on  pinpointing whys with DSEC." It was a God send. Not only had  LRH given me the night off to go to the party -- which I did  thoroughly enjoy -- but he told me something. He told me it was  OK for me to disagree with him and even change his orders, as  long as I had a correct reason for doing so. I took the lesson to  heart and for a long time I could almost do no wrong as CS 4. LRH  was extremely happy with almost everything I did-- and if I  disagreed with him on something, I wrote to him about, with a  suggested handling, with which he almost always agreed.

There were lots of things that happened between then and my  final departure in 1983. When I did leave Scientology, it was  really quite overdue, but I was and still am happy to have had a  chance to have known LRH. He was an extraordinary individual. He  was incredibly brilliant in some ways, evil (at times) -- and he  was always interesting and exciting and, most of the time, fun to  work with. Unfortunately, I believe that today's Scientology is  memorializing his worst qualities and forgetting about his best  qualities. One of his most outstanding characteristics is that he  could change, and did, all the time.

When I say evil, I mean things like dirty tricks, harassment,  and so forth. Staff members really weren't aware of that side of  things -- because it was all done by separate departments like  G.O. But there are other things -- like his temper tantrums, and  the observable fact he treated people like his slaves. He really  should not have been allowed to get away with it.

What I personally most liked about LRH was that he was  extraordinarily interested in things -- and would get excited at  things that were particularly smart. To this day when I encounter  something particularly bright, especially technically, I think  about how much Hubbard would have appreciated it. It was fabulous  to be able to share things with him, because he would be  genuinely fascinated. In this respect, he was completely  delightful to work with.

I didn't feel any pang of guilt or disloyalty towards LRH when  I left Scientology thirteen years ago. There was no doubt that  LRH would have been furious with me because he hated splinter  groups. No doubt, I, and others, would have been made  "who's" and blamed for anything that went wrong. That  was LRH's style. But I knew that if he had been me, he would have  left long before I did. He, for one, would have never put up with  the treatment that we all did!

When I escaped from Gilman Hot Springs in 1983 I hitched to  Hemet and caught a bus ... barely had the correct change, any  change, for that matter, and two security guards at my heels.

This was after several months of being falsely imprisoned --  we were under guard and weren't allowed to communicate with the  outside world. It had started in August 1982 when I was awoken  early by Marc Yager, who was the CO CMO INT, I believe, at the  time. He told me that there was a special meeting that I was to  come to -- this was the first time that the CO CMO INT had ever  offered to ride me on his moped anywhere. He took me to the SNR  C/S INT Office where David Miscavige was waiting for me.

Miscavige, who was the boss of ASI (for profit company) and  also "Special Project Ops" and Trustee of RTC at the  time, told me that I was being assigned to the RPF. I asked him  why. He said, "You know why, Miss Natter Box".  Miscavige told me I was being assigned to "hard labor".  This was the desert and it was August and it was hot.

My job was to dig ditches. I was burning up and exhausted from  the mental shock and lack of sleep. Rick Klingler, of the G.O.,  was at Gilman Hot Springs on the RPF. He was assigned to me as a  buddy to make sure that I didn't escape and that I dug ditches.

But, Rick had a heart. He dug the ditches for me while I  cooled off with the hose. Even in the worst conditions -- some  people have a heart...Thank you, Rick -- wherever you are.

Rick's brother, Gary Klingler, of the Guardian's Office, was  one of the people who later harassed and disrupted the AAC. So  Vicki Aznaran, who was the President of RTC at the time,  testified to in a deposition. But I'm digressing...

I was put on the running program for 12 hours a day, 7 days a  week for weeks. We weren't even given time to do our laundry. I  remember bringing my laundry to the tree and then going to the  bathroom. The bathroom had a back door through which I could  escape to the laundry room. I had to keep my eye out for Bucky  Beaver, though, because he patrolled the area for people who  weren't doing what they should be doing. I never knew what  Bucky's real name was because we weren't allowed to talk to crew.

Eventually, some of the crew were assigned to the same tree  that I was assigned to run around. There was a wonderful German  fellow named Rhinehart. He was new at Gilman.

David Miscavige and a couple other people used to ride down on  their scooters to watch us running around that tree. It must have  been October or November by now because I remember Miscavige  wearing a great, long coat and just stand up the hill with a  couple others, watching us.

Rhinehart would say, "Here comes the S.S.! I mean, here  comes the scooter squad!" So we would run a little faster  and try to look smart. I think it was around this time that I  started to ask myself, "What am I doing here, anyway?"

Julie Gillespie Mayo

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